How Josh Saved Christmas And Is The Best Ever¶
It was the night of Christmas Eve, and it was cold, dark and stormy. It was 2 a.m. All dogs were comfortably asleep in their doggy beds, and all cats were going ballistic in their respective living rooms, as is tradition. However this Christmas Eve, something was not right. Most people didn’t notice a difference. In fact, no one noticed a difference at all… No one, except Josh. He could feel it in his nuggets, there was evil afoot.
“What’s wrong nuggets?” He said to his nuggets.
But they didn’t respond, even though they wanted to, as do all chicken nuggets that are lucky enough to be addressed by Josh’s sultry tones.
All of a sudden there was a gigantic crash, and not the sort of crash a cat makes at this time of night. He entered the lounge room to investigate.
Lo and behold, he found Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer sitting on his couch.
“Sorry to disturb you, Josh,” said Rudolph. “You’re a very busy and important man, and also quite attractive. I know that’s beside the point, but I feel compelled to express it. Oh, and thank you for making my nose all red. Previously, I had no respect in the reindeer gang, but ever since you suggested cosmetic nasal surgery to differentiate myself from the others, I have become the most popular reindeer and am now Santas right hand man! I don’t know why you wanted me to cover up your involvement in this entire process, because people should really know the brains behind the operation. But I’ve respected your wishes, and now everyone sings the song about me that you created!”
Josh simply nodded. Rudolph cried tears of joy and awe- he had never seen a movement as beautifully executed in his whole life. Josh understood this, and nodded again in understanding. This caused more tears and began a cycle that repeated for several hours. Eventually, Rudolph, coming under severe dehydration, had no choice but to quiet his tears.
“Josh the reason i’m here is about Simon.”
“You mean Simon-the-easily-forgotten-and-seldom-talked-about-Christmas-leprechaun?”
“Precisely! We have no clue where he is, and Santa can’t deliver his presents without him by his side on the sleigh!”
Josh knew immediately that this was the doing of none other than Kee, the evil Christmas Queen with excruciating body odor. Only she would be annoying enough to steal Simon on Christmas Eve. “I know what to do. There is a god of tricks who is known to be a fabulous shapeshifter. We could go to him and see if he will shapeshift into Simon for the night.”
“Josh, that is a fantastic idea! Hop on my back, you beautiful man, I’ll fly us there.”
Off they flew through the night, all the way to Asgard. Normally the flight would be far too long and arduous for Rudolph to make alone, but he was so determined not to let Josh down or show weakness in front of him in any way that he dug deep and flew faster and harder than he had ever flown before. They reached Asgard about 20 minutes earlier than Google Maps predicted.
As soon as they touched down in front of Loki’s house, Josh felt another tingle in his nuggets.
“What’s wrong?” Rudolph inquired.
“It’s my nugget senses, they’re tingling. Something isn’t right.”
Josh leaped off Rudolph's back, performing a double backflip and a front flip. Besides defying all logical physics, it would most certainly have received a gold medal at the Olympics. He rushed to the house and was busted the door in with a kick so powerful that the door literally disintegrated. The house was completely empty. Everything was gone including the trickster god’s favourite guitar. Something was definitely not right.
He heard a soft whimper coming from the corner of the room. He noticed Chris, Loki’s small untrusty sidekick, lying on the floor in the fetal position, crying. Chris was a bit of a crybaby so it wasn’t uncommon for Josh to find him like this.
“Where the hell is the trickster god? And what are you doing here?”
“He… he… he’s… he’s gone,” Chris sobbed.
“Goddamnit we don’t have much time!” yelled Josh.
Just then Josh realised. Chris was small, about leprechaun sized, and he did have a certain forgettable quality to him. The solution was obvious. In less than fifteen minutes, Josh had dressed Chris to look exactly like Simon-the-easily-forgotten-and-seldom-talked-about-Christmas-leprechaun.
“This should do the trick,” Josh thought to himself.
And it did. Chris seamlessly replaced Simon that night and Santa was none the wiser. Everybody got their presents on time, Christmas was saved, and a statue was created of Josh rivaling Michelangelo's David, with a plaque that said “BEST EVER.”